Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Deep Breath. Deep Sigh.

There's just been so much going on. Emotionally. It's been years since I've written a poem and I generally fucking hate my poetry. But it always has helped express what I feel, create an outlet for me. So here's my shitty poem that I hate but made me feel better.


thumping thumping
up the stairs
into the room we share
solitary yet thump thump
thumping thumping
the mattress must be possessed
i grab your fingers
suck at the tip
force them to penetrate me
feel my soul
together thump thump
you touch it
caress it
pet it
thump thump thump
squeeze it
choke it
suffocate it
thump thump
SHHHHH
SHHHHH
SHHHHH...
red everywhere
thump

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Things I Never Thought I'd Have To Say

To my daughter:

"That is Luke's butt and you don't put your face in it!"

Monday, October 20, 2014

My Pussy Was Hanging Out!


Yes!!!! Number 1 reason to have a cat: pussy jokes!!!!!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

These Conversations Kill

I decided that I couldn't have a romantic relationship with my husband anymore. I told him. He freaked out. I hate that because it makes me doubt myself. At first the reason I stayed with my ex every time was because he'd throw the biggest fit over me leaving and he'd beg....literally beg me to stay. I always think, if THAT'S the reaction to me leaving then he must feel something, the love must be real. I'm trying not to have that reaction now, because that relationship taught me that having a strong reaction to someone leaving doesn't mean they love you or want you.

We had no real discussion. I wanted one, that's why I even said anything. I don't know what our relationship should be and how everything should work. I don't want this to be it, I can't imagine my life without him. But... just too many lies for me to believe that he actually is in love with me, respects me or even wants me. It's just so clear to me that I'm not what he wants. His actions are speaking much louder and clearer than his words. It hurts. I never would have gotten married if I didn't 100% believe him and I would be forever. But really, I should've ended things after the first time I found out he was talking to someone else inappropriately and lying to me about it. Then it'd be a clean break. Maybe I'm a fool for thinking people can change like that.

I want to tell the whole story because he obviously doesn't feel like this is his fault. He says "it takes two" and that's true. I never said I was perfect. I was honest about all my shortcomings and feelings and thoughts. I was about about what I wanted and didn't want. He can't say the same thing. Apparently he can't say anything outside of superficial bullshit to me. He can't tell me what he thinks or feels, his hopes and dreams or fears. He can't let me into who he is. I thought I knew him and then we got married and moved in together and I realized I don't know him. And I know the same amount now as I did then. That's not true... I now know that he can and will cheat and not feel remorse, nor truly own up to it or give any kind of explanation as to why or really any details whatsoever.

too much tripping

There is a point where you've been hurt so many times that it it just doesn't hurt anymore. It's like your heart can only break so much before it's just like well there's just no more re pieces to break. I feel nothing. Slight hatred but other than that just nothing. I've been here before about a bilion times in my life. My heart was never whole.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

It's Britney Day Bitch!

Today I really felt like watching Britney videos. Mostly because since I haven't always been a fan, there's a large amount of classics I've never even seen. So today was the day that I thought I'd watch them all. After watch all the Vevo Certified ones, I got to Scream and Shout where I rock with Will I Am and Britney Bitch. I hate Will I Am. Obviously, Britney made that shit and god damn do I love her style in the videos! Plural because of the horrendous fucking remix where she looks even more amazing than in the original. But my thoughts were this:

Ugh I hope she never fucking works with Will I Am again.

I really hope she works with Kanye at some point.

OMG I actually know a song from someone in Love and Hip Hop! Heeeeeey Waka!

Fuck I hate Lil Wayne....



Anyway, it's been really fun. Brit is so damn adorable and I love her hand and lip dancing lol. Also I have to say her most epic video is Circus (just so underrated but when you watch it... it's just WOW. Gives me chills every time I watch it), her most funny is I Wanna Go, her sexiest is 3,  most controversial is Gimme More (just because all fans just NEED to see the actual video she shot and what that was about!). But my favorite is Toxic and Perfume- just because I relate and feel this song so damn hard and the fact that she's actually the mistress makes it more interesting. Of course, these are just my opinions.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Pound Sign Gamergate

It's rare for me to ever discuss anything video game related because well... I'm just not that into video games. I don't like playing them, don't see the point or fun in them, I find gamers to be obsessed, slightly mental people with nothing better to do. This is extremely judgmental and can easily and arguably be better applied to people who are gossip/pop culture obsessed (i. e. me). Since I'm fully aware of that, don't take offense to my prejudice. I'm merely stating this to illustrate how huge this "gamergate" bullshit is that I'm even aware of it and have inklings of what it's even about. Also, to prepare you for any and all ignorance I show.

So, my knowledge of this began when I perused my favorite news and information site: Cracked. There was this article about being the most hated person. "Perfect! I love bandwagons! Let me see if I can get on one!" I thought as I clicked the link. Well, shit, I had no idea that the article would be about some game developer that people were harassing because she had sex. Zoe's story is compelling, I immediately was disgusted in men, gamers (naturally...) and especially her fucking pig asshole of an ex-boyfriend. Oh.... I found the perfect fucking bandwagon, bitch and I was riding that shit hard. (That's what she said!)


Natural reaction to people I don't know sexing


I didn't understand how anyone could hate Zoe and not hate this piece of shit who posted a blog about his ex (who even DOES that? *shifts eyes*) and lead an army of people boys with nothing better to do than to track down this poor woman and send her death threats and harassing remarks to her family and friends. Disgusted and outraged was I. Who as soon as I closed the article, instantly forgot about the whole thing. Phew! That's over now, everything is cool. I totally assume that whenever I close an article, all the world issues that was reading about also closed. It's logical.

However, this shit just wouldn't end! I kept seeing "gamergate this" and "gamergate that". Did this article just make the situation bigger or am I now just noticing it more? Idk but I found it a little annoying. It was annoying because I only knew one side of the story but dammit I was already on my bandwagon! And it was all cute and pink because it was the girl bandwagon. And guys.... I fucking LOVE pink.

Just to be clear- there was no point that I read anything about gamergate that suggested the issue was about feminism/sexism in gaming, corrupt journalism or anything that people like to pretend this whole thing is about. I also read about Zoe Quinn being a whore and/or whatever her ex's name is being a douchelord. Basically, as usual, all roads led back to ass.

Anyway, so it was really starting to irk me that I only knew one side of the story. Usually, I don't even take a stand on anything until I feel like I've heard both sides of the story. In this case, I had purposefully ignored the other side because of my love of pink bandwagons. So I quickly googled something about Zoe Quinn blog or whatever and found this asshole's blog post that started it all, thinking I'd quickly skim it and be done and then I could just sit back and enjoy my already cemented position.

So I read. And read. And read. And read some more. That whole fucking story. I didn't read the TL;DR shit. I was sucked in. Honestly, I tried so hard to hate this guy during his story. But I couldn't. I felt for him. His story was something I could identify with and did pretty much immediately. He kept mentioning collecting puzzle pieces- just weird shit his girlfriend would say or do that would make zero sense and just storing it in his memory to come back to later. And then later fitting the pieces together to create a worst case shit picture. Ugh, I remember doing that with my ex. He talked about feeling confused and like he was at fault and because of this giving his girlfriend chance after chance while falling for her lies and even excusing some known lies just to get to the heart of bigger lies. Been there bro! I did NOT want to identify with him, but I really really did. His story was so like mine in very important ways that I had to really wonder: who exactly is the lying douchelord here?


I don't know... She seems pretty awesome to me. #ilovecats


For reasons completely unknown to me, I thought about this a lot. I thought about what both sides claimed and the outcome of actions. I thought about Eron (had to google that real quick because he's obviously just Zoe's ex) and how realistic and truthful his story sounded. I thought about how this poor girl had her personal information poured out online, was getting death threats, rape threats, being called a slut/whore, being tied to Five Guys (oh my goodness, oh my damn! I'd love to be tied to Five Guys *drools*) and having that embarrassing harassment being spilled over towards friends and family. My heart breaks for her. I thought about her article and how she denied everything he said.....

Wait! What exactly did she deny? So I had to look back and the only thing she denied was that gamer x (unimportant name and person) only helped her out because they were fucking. Ooooookay. Well, that solves that riddle. Eron's story is true, Zoe is an emotionally abusive liar.

Let me tell you about the beginnings of this blog. I started this blog because I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and I had no idea what reality even was. I was constantly being lied to and mentally fucked with. I had to write to get everything out so I could make sense of anything. Just one thing, I could have make sense would be a win. I also used this to track my own puzzle pieces so I could later put them together. I needed to get out my feelings and thoughts because they were invalid to my boyfriend at the time and I literally had no other way of getting all of this out. I say this to draw parallels and have you understand what I understood: Why Eron would even create a blog about his ex girlfriend and all the personal bullshit that happened between them.

I also completely and wholeheartedly understand his want for revenge. I've personally let go a lot of my anger towards my ex. However, it's been maybe 5 years since him and I have had any contact and maybe even dated. I don't know, I've seriously blocked out so much of that relationship just so I could function as a moderately normal human being. But after we broke up, up til maybe a few years ago, I sorely wanted him hurt like he hurt me. I've always been like an uber peaceful, sweet, loving girl. But I wished so much ill will towards him. This person twisted me inside out and fucked me hard and treated me like the biggest fucking piece of shit when all I ever did was love him and try to make him happy. That will make anyone want to see that person fall. So I can't even blame Eron too hard for any involvement he had in trying to make Zoe fall.


Video games: So much fun, their fans have to focus on 
who the developers are having sex with instead of playing video games. 


BUT............my concern is with how easily that happened. From my experience, people were saying I was crazy, I was a liar, I was a slut (because I fucked one guy even though my ex was saying we weren't even together at the time and we really weren't and he at the same time was trying to get another woman to date him. but I was the slut.) I was basically the worst human being ever because this asshole was fucking ME over. But Eron tells his story and every gamer guy in existence jumps on his dick and burns Zoe to the cross. I'm so not ok with that. I completely agree with Zoe in that who the hells cares about two people fucking and one of them fucking other dudes and then the original two stop fucking? Even though I wasted way too much thought and time towards their situation (pop culture whore here, so it's kinda my thing...) I just really don't care. I don't have hatred towards Zoe. I don't have hatred towards Eron. I don't care what either of them do ever. Especially if it's other dudes or girls. Fucking whatever.

So what does it say about our society (or gamer society?) that these no lives assholes decided to track down who some random guy's ex was, insanely harass and punish her, her friends and her family just because she had dicks in her? Those are the people I hate. There's fucking NOTHING ok with that. I would just love to have all the sane people gather together and track these dickweeds down, get all their personal info, all their skeletons in their closet and just blast them in the ass non-stop. But see... that would never happen because sane people are fucking sane. Also, we have fucking lives so we have better things to do. But people, this is the scum on the bottom of our shoes that makes us keep slipping so we can't move forward and make any progress. Please recognize that. Because there really needs to be laws and ways to shut these people down. They need to be institutionalized or just thrown in jail until they realize there's better things to do with your lives but if you can't figure out what's better than slut shaming some chick that has nothing to do with you and saying how you'll rape and kill her, then you can just keep your ass in jail.

But hey, this is just from a gamer ignorant chick who has much better things to do her her life than play video games and even care who these people are. *goes back to reading Cracked for news and finding out what Britney is wearing today*