Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Make Up Tuturial

But... but... it's just so entertaining to hear why it's the woman's fault!

  • She married him after so she doesn't care (Ray Rice)
  • She was going through his things so it's ok (Chris Brown/Rihanna) 
  • She wanted to fight like a guy, so she deserves it (Every WorldStar video where the woman gets knocked out by a dude)
I also enjoy "she was asking too many questions", "she sticks around, so she must like it" and the "well, what did you expect dating THAT guy?" 

Let's not blame the guy and get all WTF on him. Let's blame the women. After all, we ARE the smarter sex, so obvs we should know better. 

Monday, September 15, 2014

Tales of a Mom

My husband and I are trying to work things out. (Desperately trying to withhold my snark...) We're trying to move to a place with a better school system. I'm not in love with the apartment but well... the school system.... We're trying to reach middle class at least and I'm trying to figure out how the hell does this even happen? We can't get ahead, everything is working against us. We can be mildly comfortably poor or somehow strike it rich. We decided I should be home.

There's a lot going on right now and a lot going on in my head. I want another baby. That was our plan before this whole mess. But I'm still extremely uncertain of my future with my husband. I want to keep trying at it but it's exhausting and I feel like I'm the only one putting forth the effort. Maybe when I'm home, it'll help somehow.

My kids are developmentally behind. They were doing so well before I left, and still well before my husband started working too. But now.... it's not like they're awful but it's noticeable. They aren't getting the support they need nor the attention. No one has the time to give to them. It's unfair. It's frustrating! I keep saying how I need to do better and all it takes is more effort. But then I get home and I'm exhausted so it's heated up frozen foods or take out. I say, hey! the weekends you have all the time in the world! Make it count then! But I don't have all the time in the world. I pretty much am gone all day running errands then home exhausted again. Sunday is a free day but christ am I tired and need some rest. So the kids get ignored most of the weekend while the parents try to recoup. It's unfair.

I feel strong guilt and it's now to the point of just like I have to choose my children. I have to do my job and make them better. Catch them up to where they should be. Keep the house nice and homey. Everyone getting homemade, nutritious meals. (Even if I end up being the only one eating them). But the catch is, I have to leave the job I love. A job I never thought I'd have: the one where it doesn't even really feel like work. Things are just aligning up so perfectly for me there too. I've busted my ass for a full year trying to make them see that they should hire me permanently. I feel like it was going to happen. Maybe not... who knows. But the stars were aligning. So that job doesn't hire me? There's another potential job- pays much more, is much closer, is permanent and best friend included! Nope. Can't do that either. I have to be a stay at home mom. Cure my family if I can.

I've been starting to feel more selfish. I want to do things for me. I want to look good and feel good, be smarter and better. I want more money and respect and love. I want to feel like Super Woman! Only not for the things I've done, but because I exist. I want to be able to say to my husband "I'm sorry I'm so good looking! I can't help that! These guys just come up to me, what am I supposed to do? Be rude?!!!" and say it with a straight face like he did to me. I want to study sociology like I've been wanting to do for years now but always had a reason not to. I want to bring in tons of money to the household so I can be like "uh uh you can't tell me NOTHING!" but I also want to be the best mom. I want more than any of that for my kids to be happy, secure and just their amazing selves at their all time best.

I just like like I can't have it all. There can't be both worlds. I'm not even sure if I can be a stay at home mom anymore. What the fuck do you do with 2 year olds all day everyday? Everything gets old after awhile. And let's face it: I almost never have energy for anything. Ever. I wonder if I'll be bored and just think about how I could be working like a real adult. Or will I just snap right back into my old job? Will I hate being home? Will I love it? Will I end up being mommy to my husband again since now I'll be home to tell him where is or that he needs to put the milk (or anything  refrigerated/frozen) away? How will my husband feel about me? He seemed to look down on me before for being home, will that happen again? Will I look down on myself for being home?

All these thoughts and questions and as frustrating and infuriating as this is. I'm not confused about this question: Is this what is best? It just is. So I can't complain, I can't be mad, I can't feel like I'm missing out or am less than or whatever. It is what it is. My children need me home. End of story. I just wish...

Friday, September 5, 2014

love and hip hop

i hate them for making these trashy shows that are disgustingly entertaining. and listen, i'm not gay but....


Thursday, September 4, 2014

no more

i can't hold this in anymore. i'm just falling apart and my heart is just... there are no words for the amount of broken. i don't know how to get through this right now. and i'm just so fucking embarrassed! i thought this was it for me, he's the one. he'll treat me the way i deserve to be treated. he'll love me forever just like i'll love him forever. i just want to keep saying my heart is broken. my heart is broken. my heart is broken. what am i going to tell the kids? how am i going to provide for them on my own? my heart is broken. i loved him so much i wanted another one of our perfect mixtures together. and he won't even own up to it. my heart is so broken. i don't know why this keeps happening to me but i can't keep letting it happen. but i'm nothing and no good and obviously no one truly wants me. and i seriously am done with men. this was it for me. i knew i couldn't take anymore after my last relationship, so i was banking on this one to be good. but he's doing the same thing. god damn... my heart is so broken.... i thought he'd at least be honest with me about it. i really did. even after the other times i caught him talking to other women. i really truly heart is just so broken. so i can't go through this again and i know nothing will ever work out for me. the very last pieces of my heart that survived my dad and my ex are now just dust. it can never be put together again and i don't want it to. i'm trying so hard to figure out what do i do? why does every guy cheat on me and try to act like nothing wrong happened? i go out of my fucking way to make the person i love feel loved, appreciated and happy. i hurt myself to make them better and what do i get for it? i wish i never got married. i wish i never had...i just wish i was never born. this is not an existence to live through. this is a throw away life. obviously. cuz every guy always throws me away.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014


no energy just doesn't explain. i've just been dead and the things/events/people that should bring me up, has just brought me more down. which in turn has just made me feel the worst. i don't even have the energy to write. i thought i did but...

Thursday, August 14, 2014


I've just been slowly falling apart. While everything is failing around me (every positive move I try to make in life, work or personally), I've just been getting angrier and more frustrated. With all this extra negative energy, I decided to work out. Hoping that it'd take that energy out and maybe even turn things around. Hell, I was working out every night and happy as a whore in a play pen (don't try to figure that out, it just means very happy) then life happened and I wasn't able to work out. So I tried today. In the middle of my downward dog pose, I just stopped. I couldn't go forward. I just felt like it wasn't helping because I just want to be destructive.

I've been fighting back all these negative thoughts and feelings. A few days ago, I was trying.... actively trying and fighting with myself over starting an eating disorder. Never has bulimia made sense to me or even appealing. If anything, I've wanted to be anorexic. I mean, not recently but when I was a teen. But a few nights ago, I just wanted to force myself to throw up. I didn't seem like it'd be disgusting, but relieving. I didn't think it'd be hard to throw up either. I really had to force myself to stay in bed and push out these thoughts that were convincing me that throwing up after meals is a great idea.

Today, I was thinking about how much I don't want to exist. Joking in my head about death. I'm not suicidal, I don't want to die. But I also realize that feeling that way and joking about me not being around isn't cool.

I'm depressed. I'm unhappy. I feel less than, unsexy, unwanted, ugly, stupid, useless, selfish, meaningless and just overall like nothing. I'm just full of insecurity and self doubt and I'm hating myself and the people that are contributing to me feeling this way. I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated as fuck because every move forward I try to make is like stepping in quicksand and making me sink instead. Everything I try to do to make myself better or make myself feel better, does the opposite.

I literally feel like it's me against the world. And today, I was listening to Britney all day. The song Alien kept coming on and it was the only song I would notice. Especially the line "But the stars in the sky look like home, take me home. And the light in your eyes let me know I'm not alone. Not alone not alone not alone" After about the 4th or 5th time of me hearing the song and my ears perking up for that line, I wondered why. I just realized that I do feel alone and I'm craving to not feel that way. I don't want to feel like it's me against the world, I need some back up. But I do. It's just me. It's not, but I really feel like it is. Everything is going wrong and I'm the only one feeling it. It IS just me. An alien. I just want to go home...

Monday, August 4, 2014

Just Rants

there's this song that plays on the station at work that i hate with all my might.

i hate this song because it's such a good song! like if it was a pop song, i'd be all over this shit. if it was a rap/hip hop song, i'd like it. but the ugliness of country makes this otherwise great song, totally unlistenable. and that pisses me off. that must be awesome for people that like or can tolerate country music. i'm just not one of those people. something about the sound just really grates my ears. so fuck you play it again!

i was going through my US Weekly and in the loose talk section there's a quote from taylor swift saying:
"the first thing a stranger will ask is, "how long were you two together?" as if your pain can be determined by how long you were with someone."

OF COURSE IT CAN YOU WHORE! omg. if you were with someone for a month and broke up it's not as hurtful as being with someone for 20 years and breaking up. god dammit i don't know why i'm evening explaining this! if you're distraught and brokenhearted after breaking up with someone who you've dated for only a month, you're a god damn psycho. stop making retarded excuses taylor swift! go fuck yourself!

i hate all these pregnant bitches. fuck you.

i hate skinny bitches. fuck you.

barack obama looks tasty. always.

why won't my son just be potty trained? fuck diapers.

my internet keeps sucking ass for no good god damn reason. fuck charter.

UGH. i just want a nice margarita to drink while watching mad men tonight.